Ode to the Standard Vehicle

I'm not really a poet (I just pretended to be an English major), but my experience learning to drive a standard vehicle has caused me to turn to lyric verse.  So here is my rather sorry "Ode to the Standard Vehicle".


Oh, stick shift. How your terrify me,
With your various gears and pedals and noises.
"It's easy!" they say.
"Just practice." they say.
"Ha!" I laugh.
They overestimate my coordination
And underestimate my trepidation.
Every test drive is a work out.
My muscles tense, my hands clench, my stomach twists, my head spins.
Afterwards, I stretch to relieve the cramps.
Clutch, break, clutch, shift, gas. Repeat.
Jerk. Stall. Rumble. Screech.
I forgot to remove the hand brake.
Oh, standard car, you fill my dreams.
I toss and turn with visions of
Braking on a mountain
Stalling on the autobahn
Driving large white vans.
But one day, tiny white Mazda,
I will add you to my list of greatest accomplishments.
And there you will join the others:
Crossing the monkey-bars.
Tying my shoes.
Riding a bike.


Ladies and Gentlemen, the ferocious beast: